DFF Item #12

12. Answer this, Mister We Are The Captains of Industry! 

Through the diligent efforts of our mole, buried deep within the bowels of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Archive Destruction, we have uncovered the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's crass disregard for the public welfare as demonstrated by the following letters and interoffice memos. How do you, Mister Pure of Heart, justify such ill treatment of children by the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's management and the cover up so grossly mishandled? 

Dear Mr. Railroad President:Can I please have a cab ride? I promise I'll be quiet and not  ask the engineer if I can blow the horn or other stuff.

    Thank you very much.

    Little Billy

Dear Little Billy:

Thank you for your interest in the Lackawanna Terminal Railway. Before we can allow you to ride in the cab of one of our big locomotives we have to be sure that you are grown up enough. Please send us a picture of you. . .and your mommy. Only then can we determine if you are big enough.

Mr. Railroad President

To Mr. Railroad President, from the law offices of Dooey, Suem, and Howe:

Dear Sir: 

Our office has been retained, with an extremely large stipend, to represent the family of Billy, his mommy, and daddy, with regard to little Billy's request for a cab ride on a locomotive of your railroad. 

Unless some kind of agreement can be reached regarding said request for the aforementioned cab ride, my clients will pursue the only available means at their disposal, i.e. a suit filled by mommy and daddy for Little Billy, a minor; a suit filled by mommy, a suit filled by daddy, and a suit filled jointly by mommy and daddy. 

Little Billy's suit contends that due to the sharpness, lack of sensitivity, and the overbearing tone of your reply, he is now afraid to watch his Thomas the Tank Engine videos account Mr. Toppam Hat reminds him of you. The mere mention of Mr. Hat sends Little Billy running, screaming with fear from the room. He now has nightmares where Mr. Hat tries to beat him with an umbrella. His parents fear that this emotional scar will take years of very expensive therapy to cure, if a cure is possible. 

A suit, when filed by mommy, contends that your request of a picture of Little Billy constitutes admission of you being a pedophile, as why else would an adult male want a picture of a preadolescent male. Her suit will also contend that the photograph, as requested, should also include her. As a result of this request, she has become overwhelmed with fear, and she is now sexually dysfunctional. She feels that this picture, should you ever come to posses it, would be tantamount to stalking. She fears that when you would look at the picture, you would undress her with your eyes, and God only knows what else. The possibility exists that you would pass the photograph around to your friends. 

Daddy's suit will contend that, due to his wife's sexual dysfunction, he is being deprived of the physical love of his wife, and the attendant emotional and physical complications, that will require many years of expensive therapy. 

The suit to be jointly filled by mommy and daddy will name your railroad, you, your employees, your vendors, their employees, your customers, their employees, their vendors, their employees, any local, state, and federal employees of any railroad regulatory agencies that have anything to do with you, your railroad, its successors, and/or assigns, as correspondents in their marriage becoming dysfunctional. 

While we wish to avoid litigation at all costs, we must also protect the interests of our clients. 

Looking forward to your reply, 

Patrick Suem 
Junior Partner, 
Dooey, Suem, and Howe 


Dear Mr. Suem: 

You imbecile! While I realize that you did not sign the above letter to the corporate offices of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway, it is obvious to all in the firm that you are responsible for this tome of contemptible pettifoggery. 

The next time you file one of our infamous frivolous lawsuits, please check to see which law firm represents the accused. It will interest you to know that the law firm of Dooey, Suem, and Howe also represents the Lackawanna Terminal Railway Corporation. Need I explain further that pursuit of this legal action will cost the firm millions of dollars in lost business? 

Therefore, as senior partner of the law firm of Dooey, Suem, and Howe, I am instructing you to immediately inform the family of Little Billy, Mommy, and Daddy that this organization can no longer represent them in this suit. Furthermore, in order to avoid entanglements from any future litigation brought against the Lackawanna Terminal Railway by any future representatives of the family of Little Billy, Mommy, and Daddy, you are to immediately begin writing a brief in defense of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway based on: 

1. The voluntary nature of the request for a cab ride by the complainant 


2. The immensely reasonable request by the railroad for a picture of Little Billy and Mommy so as to closely estimate little Billy's height and  weight relative to an adult whereby the railroad can determine Little Billy's suitability as a cab ride candidate therefore eliminating the expense of Little Billy's family traveling to a terminal of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway only to find that the child does not meet the company's stringent but reasonable conditions for riding in a locomotive cab. If the aforementioned persuasive arguments in favor of dropping the suit against the Lackawanna Terminal Railway Corporation are not successful, you are authorized to show the family of Little Billy, Mommy, and Daddy the photographs taken by our investigative bureau chief, Mr. Marcus Sade, showing: 

1. Mommy exchanging money with three lesbians at the Transvestite Bar 

2. The photos of Daddy in bed with an overweight bimbo and her grade school dropout husband after the "Bikers from Hell" motorcycle rally in Ypsilanti, Michigan while he was on a "business" trip 


3. The photos of Little Billy boffing the neighbor's cat. 

I am sure that you will be able to persuade the family of Little Billy, Mommy, and Daddy that further action against the Lackawanna Terminal Railway Corporation would be detrimental to all concerned and that their best interests would be served by dropping the suit and moving to a rural and extremely isolated part of some third world country. 
    The partners of the law firm of Dooey, Suem, and Howe, especially your uncle, the Honorable Chief Justice Horatio Suem, retired, will be watching your progress in this matter and we are certain that you will be able to bring this matter to a satisfactory conclusion. 

Give my love to your mother, 


The Management Team of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway is shocked and dismayed that such correspondence would come to be public knowledge but, since there is no proof that these letters and interoffice memos are anything but falsely fabricated lies to embarrass the Lackawanna Terminal's management and employees, we deny their existence utterly. 

To prevent the further spread of such prevarication, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team has assigned it's chief investigative officer, Lt. Marcus Sade, to weed out the disloyal employee responsible for this deceit. To further put a lie to the above letters, Lt. Marcus Sade traveled to Little Billy's residence and discovered that Little Billy's neighbor does not even have a cat but rather owns a small dog so shy it runs away whenever small children approach. This type of dog has been described by the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Employee Assistance Program Psychologist as one which would never participate in the activities described in the letters displayed above. 

While it is not the responsibility of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway to make restitution for any emotional stress resulting from the disingenuous release of these false documents, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team  has offered Little Billy, Mommy, and Daddy jobs at our most recently acquired profit centers, deepdarkdesire.com and fantacies-r-us.com as our way of making amends for this outrage perpetrated upon them by, as yet, unknown scoundrels. We are happy to announce that the whole family has accepted our offer and we welcome them warmly into our LT family. 

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway considers the matter closed at this time.

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