DFF Item #15

15. Is it true that the Norfolk Southern Railway has attempted a hostile takeover of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway? And was the Lackawanna Terminal in anyway involved in the illegal fireworks display conducted last week in downtown Scranton? 

The Management of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway has always considered the possibility that another railroad would want to acquire the assets of our Transportation Division. We were not aware, until recently, that the Norfolk Southern was so impressed with our profitability and management philosophy that they would pursue a hostile takeover of the railroad. 

For those who might not understand what we are referring to when we talk about "hostile takeovers" let me briefly explain: 

There are several methods by which one company can acquire another, the most pernicious of which is the "hostile takeover". A "hostile takeover" occurs when the CEO of one corporation, with the concurrence of the Board of Directors, authorizes the purchase of another corporation's stock (using profits which should legitimately be dedicated to the growth and improvement of the profit making company) in order to place his friends on the Board of Directors of the newly controlled company. These friends naturally elect the CEO of the purchasing corporation to head the new corporation so that he may reap obscene profits from stock options and other perks authorized by his friends, the Board of Directors. The Lackawanna Terminal Management Team does not participate in, nor does it condone, such business practices. 

Then, there is the Norfolk Southern Railway... 

The Norfolk Southern pursued a more disingenuous tactic then is usually accepted when mergers or acquisitions are sought. In fact, not until the front doors of our offices in downtown Scranton, Pennsylvania were blown off their hinges did the full impact of their desires fall upon us (along with most of the ceiling). 

That is correct, the Norfolk Southern Railway launched a vicious frontal assault on the headquarters of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway. The attack was conducted by a squad of NS hired mercenaries known as the Cho-to-mate Division of the Red Cell "Terrorists Are Us", Inc. We know these mercenaries worked for NS because they all had University of Virginia class rings on their fingers. 

The battle started at 11:30 PM (interrupting the start of the very popular program, "People Do People", which is seen on the Lackawanna Terminal Railway communications subsidiary, Fantasies_are_us.com Television Network) and lasted throughout the night leaving many of the attackers dead or wounded. The attack was only just beaten off though the extremely valiant efforts of Lt. Marcus Sade and his company of Lackawanna Terminal Police officers using riot gear, armored personnel carriers, and heavy weapons. The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's police force was assisted by members of the National Chemical and Refining Company "Quick Reaction Swat Team" accompanied by NC&R Kiowa Attack Helicopter Squadron Two which arrived just minutes after the commencement of hostilities. 

Lackawanna Terminal Railway Police and employee casualties are considered light and all injuries were immediately taken care of in the Lackawanna Terminal Headquarters infirmary by our dedicated staff of nurse practitioners. These injuries are not considered "on the job" injuries as defined by the Federal Railway Administration and are therefore "non reportable" to the Federal Government. 

The continuation of this "hostile takeover" was finally thwarted when a commando team led by Lt Marcus Sade stormed the headquarters of the Norfolk Southern Railway in Norfolk, Virginia taking captive a viperous nest of conspirators lodged deep within the bowels of the NS headquarters building. The Norfolk Southern Railway denies any connection between the devious plotting of these malevolent conspirators and it's normal business practices. The management of the Lackawanna Terminal has no reason to doubt the fine leaders of the Norfolk Southern Railway and considers the matter closed at this time. 

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway is also unaware of any fireworks program that was scheduled last week in downtown Scranton.

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