DFF Item #22

22. Dear Mr. Railroad President: 

It has come to our attention that a Federal Railway Administration (FRA) inspector, after viewing photographs of your locomotive roster, found a painfully glaring safety violation.  In every picture, without exception, he noted that the yellow stripe that is required on each step of locomotives under 49 CFR 232.211 was missing. FRA Regulation 49 CFR 232.211 requires all locomotives to have these areas high-lighted so that crew members can see where they are stepping.  I would have thought  that you, as a member of the prestigious Lackawanna Terminal Management Team, would have known better. This highly trained member of the Federal Government, with many years experience in locomotive maintenance and inspection procedures, further claims that due to this most dangerous safety violation, he is no longer considering joining the internationally acclaimed Lackawanna Terminal Technical and Historical Society. 
    What have you to say about this most flagrant violation of a Federal regulation designed specifically to prevent serious injury, bodily dismemberment, extreme psychological trauma, and perhaps death to your employees. 

Sincerely, 
The Inquiring reporter 

Dear Inquiring reporter: 

Actually, the answer is quite simple. The yellow striping in question was applied to all locomotives according to 49 CFR 232.211 and each locomotive left the paint shop in total compliance with each and every one of the Federal Government's most appropriate and well considered regulations. Unfortunately, however, during normal operations the stripes were inadvertently scuffed to the point of obscurity when contacted by our highly skilled and motivated train crew's highly polished safety foot apparel. Efforts by our shop forces to maintain the bright yellow striping has been for naught as the equipment is under constant and heavy use. 

Because of this, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team is considering issuing cans of yellow paint and paint brushes to each crew member with the requirement that the crew member responsible for scuffing out the highly visible yellow striping will also be responsible for repainting the step in violation. Crew members will be required to sign for these cans of paint and the appropriate paint brushes when signing the crew register at the start of their day. Paint cans and brushes will have individual serial numbers so that employees can be properly disciplined if they should fail to turn in the can and paint brush (properly cleaned) at the end of their assignments. 

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team hopes this answers any questions you may have concerning the railroad's most strident efforts to comply with every safety regulation issued by the Federal Government under the guise of providing a safe workplace for employees in the railroad industry. We also hope that this most ingratiating reply to your query will convince this FRA inspector to join our friends in the Lackawanna Terminal Technical and Historical Society. The Society is in constant need of someone who has contacts within the FRA so that they might better circumvent the government's most tiresome edicts in the future. 

If you are in need of further information concerning the Lackawanna Terminal Railway and it's most cordial and professional relations with all departments of the Federal Government you may contact our offices any third Thursday of the month between 9:00 and 9:15 am. 

Sincerely, 
The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team 

INTEROFFICE MEMO 
From the desk of 
Mr. Jay Jordan 
Senior Vice President in Charge of Buildings and Right of Way Corrections 
Lackawanna Terminal Management Team 
Security Level: Confidential, Eyes Only 

TO: Mr S. Kay 
President and CEO 
Lackawanna Terminal Railway 

Dear Mr. Kay: 

    How is it possible for this agent of the Federal Railroad Administration to take issue with the yellow paint on the steps of Lackawanna Terminal Railway's locomotive fleet and criticize Lackawanna Terminal Railway's award winning Management Team for their lack of following FRA regulations? 
    As we all know, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway is known for it's exemplary safety record throughout the railroad industry as well as the offices of Federal and State safety regulators everywhere.  For this FRA inspector to further criticize the management team for errors and omissions of our labor force, is akin to holding President Clinton responsible for what people in the Justice Department do, such as kidnapping young children at gunpoint and shooting people in the head at Ruby Ridge. 
    We are happy that this unknown inspector is reluctant to join the Lackawanna Terminal Technical & Historical Society because having a whistle blower in our midst would not be conducive to our way of conducting business.  Even though we wish no ill will to this inspector or the rest of his ilk, we have circulated his picture to our security people under the leadership of Marcus D. Sade to make sure he never appears on or near our property again.  It would be unfortunate to have him, say, slip and fall into the effluents at National Chemical and Refining. 

Best to you and your family, 
Jay Jordan 

INTEROFFICE MEMO 
From the Desk Of Mr. S. Kay 
President and CEO 
Lackawanna Terminal Railway 
Security Level: Confidential, Not for release to the public 

Dear Mr. Jordan: 

While this unnamed Federal Railway Administration inspector has, in fact and in accordance with his Federal mandate, noted that the yellow stripping has been scuffed out of existence on some of our locomotives, it is also convenient that he has not observed that most of our locomotives lack operating control stands, have handrails made from slippery plastic materials, and do not have operating doors, windows, horns, an air brake system, and are of such fragile construction that cat hairs have been known to impede their ability to get a train over the road. While not within this unnamed inspector's exclusive purview, he must certainly have noticed that the entire infrastructure of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway is made up of pine and plastic, paper and plaster instead of earth, stone, grade five ties and steel. To reward such flagrant disregard for his mandate as a Federal inspector it is our duty and great pleasure to award this unnamed inspector membership in the Lackawanna Terminal Technical and Historical Society where we will be able to keep an eye on him. 

Again I must stress, as I have in the past, while it is incumbent upon upper management to take responsibility for the mistakes of the employees under their direction it is also incumbent for upper management to punish severely those that cause embarrassment to those in upper management. While the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team has not yet delved into the possibilities related to kidnapping young children and shooting people in the head, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team has directed the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Human Resources Department to check into the possibility of emulating the Federal Government's well recognized methods of population control and, perhaps, improving upon them in it's never ending effort to better employee morale and productivity. 

As a representative of the United States Government, this unnamed FRA inspector should, and will, be accorded the same respect and consideration given to all Federal employees who's responsibilities can effect the profitability of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway and it's customers. He will first be escorted to the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Conference Center by Mr. Marcus D. Sade and a platoon of heavily armed security personnel where he will be photographed with the members and cast of deepdarkdesires.com and Fantasies_are_us.com as they film various erotogenic scenes to be included in upcoming episodes to be viewed on Marconi Wireless' exclusive cable network. These exclusive cable shows are routinely broadcast to the highest offices of the FRA, AAR, BLE and UTU for review as to their entertainment value before being release to general subscription. This unnamed Federal inspector's image will be recorded for future exposure should he fail to find that the Lackawanna Terminal Railway and it's customers are in total and complete compliance with all federal rules, laws, and regulations relating to their business endeavors. We have little doubt that this gentleman, as a representative of a United States Government regulatory agency, will find no fault with any of the policies or practices of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway and it's customers. That is not to say that slipping and falling into effluent at the National Chemical and Refining Company's Depew, NY facility is not a possibility should this unnamed inspector's attitude suddenly turn south at some future date. 

Sincerely, 
S. Kay 
President and CEO 
Lackawanna terminal Railway 

PS: I understand that you are to be congratulated on your mother's release from prison. Please give her my best regards and inform her that her job as bodyguard to Mr. Marcus D. Sade is still open as a reward for her silence at the trial. 

SK

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