DFF Item #24

24. Dear Mr. Railroad President:

We have in our possession the following most interesting and informative newspaper article showing the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's total disregard for it's employees and other small furry creatures. What have you to say in answer to this most enlightening critique of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's most cynical attitude?

Yours truly,
A. Holleuffer
Inquiring reporter
The Special Interest Press

Tabor, NJ, Thursday, July 7, 2000. LATE-BREAKING NEWS !!!!

Operating unions staged a wildcat strike this morning halting all service on the infamous Lackawanna Terminal Railway. Union members claim their daily ration of Cheesy Poofs has been cut in half with no warning from the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's management. There are also claims that cans of old C&C Cola the company had been hoarding for nearly 20 years have been substituted for the usual Shoprite Rotgut Cola specified in the current contract between the railroad and its labor unions. One union official has alleged that styrofoam packing peanuts spray painted to resemble Cheesy Poofs have also been substituted on at least two occasions. This last allegation could not be substantiated as it is difficult to distinguish the taste of styrofoam from authentic Cheesy Poofs.

There was also a report that the President of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway attempted to run over Smokey the office cat with a locomotive after the cat allegedly tore open a cushion in the company's executive office revealing hundreds of crisp new $100 bills used as stuffing.

Attempts to contact the Benevolent Dictator of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway to answer these charges have been unsuccessful so far. A spokesperson for the Lackawanna Terminal railway, believed to be the cleaning lady, said she thinks he is on vacation in Switzerland or possibly some small island in the Pacific.

Further details will be reported as they become available.

Dear Mr. Inquiring reporter: 

Before you attempt to defame the unimpeachable character of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway and it's fine Management Team with implications of such iniquitous behavior as regards our relationship with our fine, hardworking employees and other furry creatures please read the follow up article from the same newspaper which sheds a very different light on the very situation you bring up: 

Tabor, NJ, Thursday, July 8, 2000. LATER-BREAKING NEWS !!!!

A wildcat strike by members of the Brotherhood of Locomotive Employees (BLE) was halted without affecting rail service after a boxcar load of Cheezy Poofs and Shoprite Brand "Rotgut" soda was found in the basement of a home owned by the ex-wife of BLE General Chairman Clarence Bobinski.

The Shipment, according to Lackawanna Terminal Railway management, which included 895 cases of Cheezy Poofs and 2000 cases of Shoprite Brand "Rotgut" soda, had been loaded at Shoprite's warehouse on Dowd Avenue in Elizabeth, New Jersey and was destined for operating employee sign-up rooms across the vast Lackawanna Terminal Railway Transportation Network. The shipment was listed as missing when the boxcar failed to show up at the High Heels Catering Club's Central Distribution Warehouse in Scranton. PA. The High Heels Catering Club is a subsidiary of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway. The missing cargo was discovered by members of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway SWAT Team during a raid led by Lt. Marcus Sade of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Police Force on the residence of Carmine Bobinski. The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Police Force was notified of the missing cases of Cheezy Poofs after complaints by the operating employees led to a work stoppage organized by the General Committee of the BLE under the leadership of General Chairman Bobinski.

The missing shipment of Cheezy Poofs and "Rotgut" Cola was the direct cause of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team's decision to temporarily reduce the contractually agreed to allotment of the tasty snack food and substitute a lesser quality beverage. "We knew the shipment of Cheezy Poofs and soda hadn't been received", said Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Vice President for Employee Relations, Moshe Testaverde, "We just didn't know what else to do on such short notice. We are well aware of our contractual obligations to our fine, hardworking employees but we were, quite frankly, at a lose to explain the disappearance of the Cheesy Poofs and soda. The persistent rumor that that the Lackawanna Terminal Railway attempted to substitute orange painted styrofoam "popcorn" in the place of the Cheezy Poofs is simply a malicious prevarication promulgated by the leadership of the BLE to garner sympathy from an unsuspecting public." BLE General Chairman Clarence Bobinski refused comment when, during his arrest, he was asked about the charges. His ex-wife, Carmine Bobinski, who is also know by the stage name "Bubbles Bobinski" is also under indictment for the theft of the Cheezy Poofs and "Rotgut" cola.

When contacted by this reporter the ex-Mrs. Bobinski's lawyer simply stated that the ex-Mrs. Bobinski went to bed late Friday night after returning home from performing her famous one woman act at the club "Nipples". "At that time", he said, "the ex-Mrs. Bobinski testified that the basement was empty of any illegally acquired merchandise. Sometime during the early  hours of the morning the ex-Mrs. Bobinski says she was awaken by a loud commotion in the basement that sounded a lot like men belching. When she went to investigate, she found the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's SWAT Team lounging around the furnace, with open Cheezy Poof bags and empty cans of Shoprite "Rotgut" flavored soda scattered everywhere. The ex-Mrs. Bobinski claims that the SWAT Team appeared to be bringing cartons of the tasty snack food and cases of soda into the basement from a truck parked behind the house." When questioned about the ex-Mrs. Bobinski's allegations, Lt. Marcus Sade, leader of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's SWAT Team, unequivocally denied them. During a press conference held at the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Headquarters in Scranton, PA. the SWAT Team displayed an M16A1 assault rifle with an attached M203 40 mm grenade launcher and bandolier containing eight incendiary grenades which Mrs. Bobinski was alleged to have had in her possession at the time of her arrest.

A representative of the BLE told this reporter that they were truly sorry for any inconvenience caused by their attempted wildcat strike and were embarrassed that one of their leaders would be involved in the theft of interstate cargo. The representative also stated that workers represented by the BLE would voluntarily work for reduced rations of Cheezy Poofs for three months as an act of contrition. Officers of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team were not available for comment but a spokesman is quoted as saying that the Lackawanna Terminal Railway was glad that the crisis is over and that it's employees are returning to work.

In a somewhat related story, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Denial and Archive Destruction has categorically denied allegations that the President of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway attempted to run over the office cat. In a press release distributed today, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Denial and Archive Destruction's spokeswoman, Brenda Vitale, claimed that the cat, named Smokey after the environs in which it lived, had been depressed lately and had been seeking psychiatric care under the terms of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's most comprehensive Employee Assistance Program. "The poor animal was just moping around the roundhouse", she said while impulsively dusting her desk. "He would hardly purr at all and when small children would approach the usually friendly feline would slink away and hide in a corner. It must have been downright frustrating trying to find a corner in a roundhouse", added Ms. Vitale It is the belief of the cat's psychiatrist, hired by the Lackawanna Terminal Railway, that poor Smokey attempted to off himself by running in front of a moving locomotive that just happened to be under the control of the railroad's president. It is reported that Smokey is now under sedation and in the constant care of the psychiatrist. The railroad's spokeswoman also denies that any furniture owned by the Lackawanna Terminal Railway is stuffed with crisp $100.00 bills as stated in an earlier erroneous news report. The incident so upset the President of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway that he immediately flew to Suva, the capital of the Fiji Islands to attend an  Employee Assistance Program set up by the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team to help executives who suffer from the affects of the high stresses of the extremely competitive transportation industry.

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway Department of Denial and Archive Destruction considers the matter closed. 

We thank you for your concern and interest in the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management/employee relations. 

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway Department of Denial and Archive Destruction 

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