DFF Item #26

26. The following question and answer was taken from an interview with the president of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway during the celebration of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's twenty fifth anniversary celebration in Scranton, Pa. on April 1, 2001.

Inquiring Reporter: April 1, 2001 marks the 25th anniversary of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway and the readers of The Special Interest Press are clamoring to know what you, as president of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway, consider to be the most important event, to date, in the history of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway. 

Lackawanna Terminal Railway President: The Lackawanna Terminal Management Team has spent the past twenty five years in a continuing battle with other railroads, local community opposition, and the government on a local, state, and federal level to sustain the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's profitability, enrich the members of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team and, to a lesser extent, the corporate stock holders, and in doing so, keeping the commerce of America rolling unimpeded to it's final destination. 

To this end we have invested untold millions of dollars in our fixed plant, locomotive and freight car acquisition, and blatant payoffs to government officials at all levels. We have broken new ground in the area of creative financing and have expanded our horizons into the fields of entertainment, space exploration, human behavior management, and international benevolence. In each and every endeavor we have succeeded to the point of becoming the envy of industrial giants nationwide and have attracted the attention of federal prosecutors on many occasions. 

Through all this, however, we, the members of the Lackawanna Terminal Management Team have not rested on our well earned laurels. We know we can never relax in our constant vigil against the creeping, insidious, viperous enemies that would destroy us and end a successful enterprise that has embarrassed and embittered our lesser adversaries. We, the members of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team, have spent countless hours studying the many successful corporate models we have found throughout the world and have attempted to adapt their finest aspects to the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's management style and so continue to thrive in the meat grinder that is international commerce today. We have diligently studied those companies which have grown the fastest, destroyed the most competition, and have risen to rule the world of commerce, namely the Japanese. It is, therefore, that I must conclude that the greatest, most important new innovation of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway Management Team; the one event that will pull our employees together to battle the opposition; the one advantage that we have found in the Japanese business world that allows them to compete so successfully against all competition worldwide; the creation of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Corporate Theme Song. 

Having decided that a company theme song would best bind together our many and varied enterprises throughout the world the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team hired the best and brightest of all musicologists, Melissa Coldridge, daughter of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Vice President of Financial Intervention, Godfried Coldridge, gave her a virtually unlimited virtual budget and sent her to far off lands in search of the perfect company theme song; one that would reflect the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's management style and instill in our employees the respect and  reverence for, and the fear of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team they have worked so hard to earn. 

It is interesting to note that although the Japanese model was determined to be the most appropriate for corporate unity it was found that their songs just did not translate properly into the themes we, the members of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team, wished to convey to our employees, plus they wanted too much money to create the proper theme song for our needs. Miss Coldridge then proposed what was to become the solution we had been looking for; the song with just the right message; a song that would stir the imaginations of our workers and amalgamate our forces in our common and just fight against our persecutors. Miss Melissa Coldridge proposed that we use the national anthem of the now defunct Soviet Union. 

The advantages to this suggestion were obvious and were accepted in a hurriedly arranged meeting of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team: 
Advantage #1 - The melody and lyrics are in the public domain and, therefore, free. 
Advantage #2 - The Soviet Union has not existed since December of 1991 so who is to complain? 
Advantage #3 - The music is stirring and can raise goose bumps on the most hardy of prison camp inmates. 
Advantage #4 - The lyrics cannot be understood by the average Lackawanna Terminal Railway employee. 
Advantage #5 - The lyrics can be translated from the original Russian into a language more acceptable to conservative congressmen needed to pass legislation favorable to the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's profitability. 

Miss Coldridge was thus instructed to acquire the melody and lyrics for the National Anthem of the Soviet Union and where necessary translate the lyrics into an obscure yet more acceptable language than the original Russian. 

While the new words to the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's new corporate theme song may sound like the original Russian, the lyrics are, in fact in the language of the Muliac Indian Nation which only coincidentally sound much like Russian. The Muliacs are a Native American tribe whose distant relatives inhabited the hills that surround the City of Scranton, Pennsylvania. At Miss Coldridge's suggestion a chorus was to be created exclusively from Muliac Indians until it was discovered that the Muliacs were almost completely wiped out as a tribe during the great coal mine expansion of the 1890s. After meticulous research carried out by the staff of the History Department of the Eastern Lackawanna County Agricultural and Technical University a small Muliac Indian family consisting of the last seven surviving members of the Muliac Tribe was located in Bucks County, Pennsylvania and hired as maintenance of way employees so that they could qualify to become members of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Chorus and so be able to participate in the festivities surrounding the introduction of our new theme song. The three members of the Muliac Tribe family who were under seven years of age were immediately put on "light duty" so as not to come afoul of Pennsylvania's most stringent, yet outdated, child labor laws. 

The new lyrics for the "Anthem of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway" translated into English from the original Language of the Muliac Indian Nation follow:

The Anthem of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway:


Lyrics by Melissa Coldridge

Unbreakable Union of freeborn Republicans, 
The Lackawanna Terminal is welded forever to stand.
Created in struggle by will of the people, 
United and mighty, across our American land!

Sing all Praises to Scranton, home of the free,
Bulwark of the railroad in brotherhood strong.
O Party in Suva, the strength of the people,
Our Company's triumphs will lead us on!

Through tempests the sunrays of profits have cheered us,
Along the new right-of-way where great Management did lead.
To a righteous cause our railroad raised up the peoples,
Inspired them to labor and valorous deed.

Sing all Praises to Scranton, home of the free,
Bulwark of the railroad in brotherhood strong.
O Party in Suva, the strength of the people,
Our Company's triumphs will lead us on!

In the vict'ry of Management's deathless ideal,
We see the future of our dear Railroad.
And to her fluttering Gray, yellow, and Maroon banner,
Selflessly true we always shall stand!

Sing all Praises to Scranton, home of the free,
Bulwark of the railroad in brotherhood strong.
O Party in Suva, the strength of the people,
Our Company's triumphs will lead us on!

The day the new Lackawanna Terminal Railway Theme Song was introduced to the employees a Corporate Memo was distributed to all work and signup locations within the Lackawanna Terminal Railway as well as all work locations throughout the Lackawanna Terminal Industries, Inc., the parent company. The Corporate Memo requires that all employees memorize the lyrics to the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's new anthem and at 8:00 am each morning, seven days a week, all Lackawanna Terminal Industries, Inc. and Lackawanna Terminal Railway employees, their families and friends are to stand and face in the direction of their respective corporate headquarters and sing the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Anthem. 

We, the members of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team expect that all so instructed will comply with the directive issued resulting in an Brobdingnagian psychodynamism and the complete domination of the railroad industry and all regulatory agencies so involved. 

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team considers the introduction of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Anthem, amongst their many great accomplishments, the greatest of all.

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