DFF Item #33

33. Hi there, 
I have had a great time reading through your website. I especially love the descriptions of the industries served by the tank cars. I can't wait to get my hands on the chocolate-like processed fudge derivative, which although perhaps superficially resembling its raw material, sounds absolutely delicious and I would be very keen to import a container load of the processed cheese flavoured snack here to Australia; the freight should be cheap as it appears to be more air than snack.

Tony Scott
Victoria, Australia

Dear Mr. Scott,

The Lackawanna Terminal Management Team thanks you for your kind missive concerning our involvement in the "Sludge to Fudge" concept which has become a most profitable profit center for the many and varied customers which profit the Lackawanna Terminal Railway in so many ways.

While the production of the Amalgamated Processed Foods Company's new fudge derivative cookie is running twenty four/seven in their Atlanta, New York plant distribution of this most delectable fudge derivative cookie has been slow to develop and is now limited to the European countries of France, Spain and several sections of Eastern Europe. Plans are presently in the works for a new production plant on the west coast to produce the product for distribution to the Pacific Rim countries including Australia and News Zealand as well as Austria for distribution in Europe.

Once the plant on the west coast is up and running vast qualities of the Amalgamated Processed Foods Company's "high end" processed fudge derivative cookie will be available for your consumption.

Fatuous and unnecessary full disclosure laws concerning the international shipment of food derivatives authored by self serving bureaucrats that pervade foreign governments require that we divulge that a slight production problem has arisen that has restricted the distribution of the fudge derivative cookie in Europe: Apparently in the process of removing the heavy metals from the sludge and creating a sludge slurry that would not poison all who come within fifteen feet of the processing tanks, chemicals are introduced that create such heat through their chemical interaction that the product, at this point, must be cryogenically cooled both during processing and shipping from the National Chemical and Refining Corporation to the Amalgamated Processed Foods Company, LLC. This is done in cryogenic boxcars specially design and built for this shipment.

These cars, which are routinely camouflaged with the names and logos of well known food and transportation companies are also guarded during their journey by members of the Navy Seals to insure their safe arrival in Atlanta, New York as the base material is consider a weapon of mass destruction by the United States government’s Department of Homeland Security.

Once the fudge derivative cookies are packaged in individual gold foil containers they remain safely cool enough to eat as long as they are not unwrapped and stored together with more than five other cookies before consumption in which case they will once again begin to heat up with problematic results. These "problematic results" surfaced in Toulouse, France earlier this year when a young college student went on a binge drinking spree and in the process devoured so many fudge derivative cookies in such a short time that he spontaneously combusted with predictable results.

The good folks at the National Chemical and Refining Corporation are working on an alternate process that will reduce the heat problem to prevent any such future irresponsible behavior from causing the results that seemed to cause such an unreasonable tiff in Europe.

The other product of the Amalgamated Processed Foods Company, Which you mentioned in your post, Cheezy-Puffs, is considered safe to eat, at least for the time being although the long term affects of this product's consumption are not yet available.

Thank you once again for your kind and thoughtful letter and in response, a container of Cheezy-Puffs has been dispatched to your location along with a sample box of the new fudge derivative cookie for your enjoyment.

BTW, the chemists at National Chemical and Refining Corporation have also suggested that the new fudge derivative cookie can be used as an efficient fire starter for campers and outdoor barbeques.

For the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's President and CEO,
Lyle Crevasse
Executive Secretary

For immediate Release by the Special Interest Press

The Amalgamated Processed Foods Company, LLC, has announced a new product line that will mean additional revenue for the Lackawanna Terminal Railway and bonuses in abundance for managers of merit. 

In conjunction with the good folks at the National Chemical and Refining Company’s Depew, NY research and manufacturing complex, the Amalgamated Processed Foods Company, LLC, has developed a process to refine raw sewage sludge into a line of high-end chocolate fudge derivative products. As all of us know, about 60% of New York City’s sewage sludge (or Biosolids) is pelletized at Synagro’s New York Organic Fertilizer Company facility in the Bronx. Much of this sludge is then shipped to Florida and used as fertilizer in the citrus groves. Amalgamated Processed Foods, LLC considers the use of biosolids for fertilizer to be a waste of a readily available resource which can be put to a much more profitable end resulting in a higher added tariff value for the Lackawanna Terminal Railway.

To this end the chemists of the Amalgamated Processed Foods, LLC’s Department of Chemical Augmentation and Integration have joined forces with the fine folks at National Chemical and Refining to developed a process whereby raw sewage sludge in the form of a water soluble slurry can be processed into a paste that has the flavor and texture of a rich chocolate flavored, processed fudge derivative. The management of the Amalgamated Processed Foods, LLC has financed a new production line to manufacture products of processed raw sludge slurry which includes a rich chocolate flavored fudge derivative cookie which will be individually wrapped in gold foil and sold at chocolate boutiques world-wide at highly inflated prices.

The addition income to the Lackawanna Terminal Railway from this newly acquired freight traffic, to include tank cars of raw sewage sludge slurry to NC&R, cryogenically cooled boxcars of processed chocolate fudge derivative from NC&R to Amalgamated process Foods, LLC’s manufacturing facility in Atlanta, NY, can not be overstated. The raw sewage slurry at an exceedingly high rate due to its high toxicity and the processed fudge derivative has a high tariff because the Lackawanna Terminal Railway controls all alterative transportation resources.

Other fine products from the research division of the National Chemical and Refining Company that are shipped to the Amalgamated Processed Foods manufacturing plant by rail include but are not limited to: sulpherous waste from the Sulfex Corporation which is now converted into a appetizingly rich orange colored, cheese flavored coating for America’s favorite cheese flavored processed snack food and various plasticized grain products for a cheese flavored snack food with a shelf life that exceeds processed uranium.

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