Mayor Schaumburg

Mayor of Schaumburg, New York Goes Missing.
For immediate world-wide release

 Schaumburg Lake, NY - Reuters

Mayor William Schaumburg, the latest in a long line of Schaumburgs to hold the office of mayor of the lake-front community of Schaumburg Lake, NY going back to the late 1800's, has gone missing after last Monday's freakishly violent storm that descended upon the area. The storm, which came with no warning from the local weather bureau, sent torrential rains and gale force winds over the lake and caused much damage among the lake front homes and docks that dot this bucolic community southeast of Leicester, New York.

The community and the lake it sits next to was named for the earliest settlers in the area, who, after driving off or eliminating the friendly indigenous tribes settled next to the lake formed the first Jewish community center in the southern tier of New York State. It was many years later and after continuous inbreeding the community petitioned the state and federal governments for their own legislative district and eventually, after much money changed hands at both the state and federal level, the many lawsuits from districts from which land for the new district was to be purloined being dismissed, the 28th Congressional District was formed. The district is also represented in both the state Senate and assembly in the state capital of Albany, NY.

A desolate and broken canoe is all that is left of the beloved mayor of Schaumburg, NY after last Monday’s violent storm - Reuters

The newly formed Congressional District consists of a large population sixty percent of which walk on four legs and the other forty percent are named Schaumburg. With representatives pedaling influence on both the state and federal levels good economic times came to the area regardless of the fact that no goods or services were ever produced within the community or the district at large that would justify such government largess from which the town benefitted.

Mayor Schaumburg was reported missing Tuesday morning by Mildred Schaumburg, the missing mayor's wife, who said the mayor had gone fishing Monday afternoon hoping to catch something for dinner that night, a past-time he very much enjoyed and filled the time since there is little for a mayor to do in a town where nothing happens. The state and county police and emergency services, upon receiving a call from Mrs. Schaumburg, immediately began a search that involved search and rescue teams in boats and helicopters recently donated at great expense in federal dollars by the Department of Homeland Security.

The only remnant of the missing mayor found after an extensive and costly search was a battered canoe found crushed between the rocks below Schaumburg Falls which leads to Schaumburg Creek where it outflows from the lake near the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's mainline between Scranton, Pennsylvania and Buffalo, New York. The canoe was identified as one of many boats owned by Mayor Schaumburg. It was said to be his favorite boat and was missing from the Mayor's private dock after the storm.

Rumors uncovered by this reporter seem to indicate ongoing friction between the Mayor and town leaders and the Lackawanna Terminal Railway concerning the construction of what the mayor once described as a much needed addition to the town which would bring tourists and fishermen attracted by the scenic trails and wonderful fishing experience afforded by Schaumburg Lake and its environs. Much to the chagrin of the mayor and the town council the Lackawnna Terminal Railway explained often to the town leaders that the railroad did not provide passenger service from or to any point of the railroad so it would not build a train station on a special rail spur that ended in front of the mayor’s office. The conflict between the two entities has become. according to some persons close to the matter who declined to be named because of their close relationship with the community, so contntious that incidents of vandalism had become commonplace on the tracks that run close to the town of Schaumburg Lake. So many lawsuits and counter lawsuits have been filed by both parties against the other over the years that the courts have become clogged with petitions and court dates have been extended into the next decade. Lawyers for the  Lackawanna Terminal Railway have been quoted by unnamed sources as saying that other methods of resolving the issues in their favor must be found.

When contacted by this reporter concerning these rumors the railroad would only state that no trains were in the vicinity at the time of the storm and no employees witnessed anything unusual when passing over the creek after the storm. However, this reporter has since learned that, the day following the storm a five-man track maintenance crew was shipped to Saskatoon, Saskatchewan for a conference of members of the Brotherhood of Maintenance of Way Employees (BMWED) and were not available for interview either by this reporter or law enforcemen officers investigating the disappearance of the mayor. The railroad said the men, all of whom have home addresses in South Chicago and, unnervingly enough, newly hired temporary workers on the railroad and would be away for an indefinite period, if not forever.

In a conciliatory move to end the animus between the town and the railroad all lawsuits have been withdrawn by both parties. The Lackawanna Terminal Public Relations Department claims the matter is settled.

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